The Last Dance

Though the Marine Corps birthday is not until the tenth of this month, the Marine Corps Ball for the man's unit (stop sniggering) is tonight. It's an event that I very much looked forward to, my sole excuse over the years to dress in a beautiful dress and be on the arm of a man in uniform.

This is us at some of the ones over the years.

Happy, happy, happy.

So tonight the man is in his blues, and I am at home blogging out my feelings. He didn't invite me to the ball this year. No pumpkin turned into a coach, no fairy godmother changed my yoga pants for a ball gown, and no prince will dance with me until midnight. And he won't search for me when I leave either.

Cinderella is not at the castle. She's in a house of chaos trying not to puke up her dinner, or cry hysterically at the smallest provocation. 

Actually, the tears have arrived. Or maybe they never really go away?

This is obviously not the sole responsibility of the man. If we hadn't been so back and forth, up and down, hot and cold, on and off then I might have rated an invitation to tonight's event. But to quote Alexander Rybak, "I'm in love with a fairy tale, even though it hurts."

I believe this is what I have done - imagined a fairy tale ending to all of this painful nonsense we have put ourselves through the last several years. Brick by boring brick I have built up my dream ending, where he comes after me, where I go to the ball, where we all live happily ever after.

But it was only just a dream.

I should get points for all the song quotes I'm integrating.

As I start to grow up (finally) I am realizing that life is in fact about the nonsense, not the fairy tale. This every day we struggle (sometimes) through, this is the real heart of the story, not the part where we all live happily ever after. No one ever said that's how it was going to be, and I can't for the life of me figure out why I've spent so much time waiting for that moment to come, that one where he realizes he can't do without me. 

Now, I don't want you to think I'm unhappy with my life in general. I am not. I've found peace and joy in these circumstances, which I can only attribute to a loving God. It's just that I'm realizing that the outcome I want in the area of my marriage may not ever come to fruition in my timeline, or maybe even at all. Somehow, I have to learn to find peace and contentment with that too. 

Or perhaps I need to change my dreams.

Either way, tonight I'm more aware of my need to break the glass slipper and bury the castle.