Effective Lines

It's strange. I've known Mush for thirteen years, but I don't actually remember meeting him.

There were times, in those early years, when I knew he was physically in the same space that I was in, but he was always just out of my view, my friend's phantom brother who I heard so much about but rarely caught a glimpse of.

The first time I remember him speaking directly to me was on the day of Ducky's wedding, nearly eight years ago. A bunch of us, Mush included, were mingling together after the reception was over. One of the girls was talking about her boyfriend being a little older than she was, and I flippantly replied, "Well, you don't want to date someone your own age anyway. They say boys mature slower than girls, so a few years older means he would be at your level."

And from across the room, Mush looked at me and, without smiling, said, "I find that remark to be extremely offensive."

I felt my heart drop all the way down to my feet. Nothing else was said but I thought from that day forward that Mush really did not like me.

And that bothered me.

Flash forward two years. It was after Scott's funeral, and the whole family went to the lake for a week, to get away. It was difficult for everyone, obviously, and I was struggling with the fact that in situations like this, I would normally have Scott to keep company with.

But he was gone.

I wasn't the only one who was alone, though. With all bedrooms in the cabin occupied, me and my two year old were relegated to a pullout couch in the family room. On the floor a few feet away slept Mush. My anxiety about that was through the roof. He already didn't like me, and I was certain he wasn't going to like me any more by sleeping on the floor in the same room as me and my toddler, who was unfortunately struck with a stomach bug our first night there. Things, it seemed, could hardly be worse.

Then one night, it happened that everyone else had gone to bed except Mush and me. I don't remember how we started talking, but we stayed up until the very wee hours drinking beer and orange juice on the front porch of the cabin, and I hung onto his every word. I'd long heard what a cool guy he was, and by an impossibly heartbreaking circumstance, I got to finally see it for myself. He was smart and engaging, sincere and thoughtful. It sparked something undefinable in my heart for him, a fondness I couldn't explain. From that day forward, I leapt at any chance to talk to him, especially those late night conversations, just us two.

I locked those moments away in my heart, little treasures I was sure only meant something to me.

Life turned dark for a time. I didn't see Mush for nearly four years because I stopped visiting with the family. When I would think of them, I would think of him, and wonder how he was. It was a surprise to myself how much I felt for him, without really knowing why.

Then, in the Fall of last year, something extraordinary happened. Ducky was talking to me about finally being able to pursue my dreams, particularly the one of living in the valley (which had long been a dream of mine).  She casually mentioned Mush...

Time stopped. The dormant embers of feeling I had locked away suddenly ignited an ardent desire to make him mine.  

And so I have, with little effort, because it turns out that the same moment I understood that he meant something, however undefinable, to me, was the exact moment he felt the same way. 

Nearly six years later, that undefinable and ne'er explored feeling has turned out to be love. 

Worn

Staring at the ceiling

Waiting for time to pass

Everyone laughs at you,

For not living in the moment,

Don't waste it, own it

Own each painful step, each hard knock, each bitter taste.

Go to work, get your mouth slapped

And no one laughs, 

No common ground to stand on,

Only silent enmity. 

Come home, your saving grace 

Your children's laugh.

The sound mitigates your fear, for now

Your fear you can't do this alone.

A thousand voices guide your path

Can't help but laugh.

No matter what you choose,

You're always letting someone down.

Walk a mile in my shoes 

An argument you'll lose

Your experience is nothing 

Compared with others

Lay down your head,

Pray for strength to last

And God laughs.

Your life is a flickering flame,

No one will remember you.

Of Mice and Mush and Free Rides.

I must have been dreaming about Mush during my nap yesterday, because I woke up, looked over at him and said, "It occurs to me that you are very, very easy to love." 

It's not just because there is so much about him that I adore, or that his personality is such that I can't help but be drawn to him (and that's been true for long before I fell in love with him) - it's also that he is contrasted with someone who was very difficult to love; someone who would tell you that I failed in my efforts to love him, as evidenced by him leaving. 

One of my Facebook friends must be going through something similar because she put this on her wall:

Truer words were never spoken, I said. 

My cousin likes to tell me that in this relationship with Mush, we have no choice but to be successful. 

"Why is that?" I asked her. 

"Because the bar is set so low for both of you, you're bound to be happy with anyone else, not to mention someone who is actually amazing."

My ex was difficult to love. He still is. In fact, we got into an argument tonight over something that should have been a non-issue. It descended quickly into madness, and him telling me that he was certain my whole reason for marrying him was because I was a "typical woman who just wanted a free ride in life." 

Aside from my incredulity over such an ignorant - and slightly chauvinist - remark, I thought to myself, "A free ride? My God, if the last eleven years with him was a free ride, I shudder to think of what a paying customer would have to go through." 

I cannot stress to you what a contrast it is between the relationship I have with Mush and the one I had with my ex. A good day with the ex was him not telling me, "I don't love you." A great day was when he would spontaneously show me some sign of affection. We had few great days, some good days and a lot of really bad ones where I wondered what I was doing wrong and why this wasn't working. 

A good day with Mush is every time I see him. I've never felt such happiness as I do when I am with him, no matter what it is we are doing, whether special trips to four story bookstores or sitting side by side on the couch watching the antics of the kids. 

Here's some more contrast: 

Where the ex called me serious and without humor, Mush laughs with me all of the time.

Where the ex only read when he had to, Mush rarely visits without a book.

Where the ex used music as background noise, Mush quotes lyrics that remind him of me. 

Where the ex thought little to nothing of my value as a mother, Mush tells me daily what a great mom I am. 

Where the ex called our children "consequences" of my decisions (don't even get me started), Mush loves my kids because they are a part of me.

Where the ex pushed me away, Mush draws me closer.

Where the ex let me go, Mush holds me tighter. 

Where the ex finds me worthless, Mush finds me priceless.

Does anyone continue to wonder why on earth I'm so happy right now?

God used an event where I couldn't see light for a long time to bring about a blessing I never, ever imagined for myself. He shows me again how limited my understanding is of His ways, and I can't thank Him enough for what He was brought about in my life. 

I never knew there could be love like this until now.