Last night I had a dream about Ducky. Those who know me know that Ducky was one of my very close friends for about twelve years. I'm not surprised she was in my dreams; I've been thinking about her and her family every single day since June 1st.
June is the month for birthdays, both among my family and my friends. Aunts, cousins, nephews, nieces, sister-in-laws, friends, my daughter and myself all share this month to celebrate our arrival on earth. But the last day of June, there is a birthday that I begin to think of the moment the calendar changes from May. It belongs to Ducky's brother, Scott.
Scott was, to me, a pretty special individual. I used to tell him he was like the younger brother I never had. And I treated him like a younger brother. I look back at our friendship and realize that most of it was me lecturing him and trying to get him to make changes to his life. He took it all in stride, and didn't change a thing until he was ready. I thought he was moving too slow, and I wanted him to go and be and do and learn and...and...and.
He was going to come and visit me in August of 2010. I remember that he called me on July 29th, and I didn't answer. I was slightly cross with him, because he wanted to fly to an airport that would require me to drive through 2 hours of traffic one way just to get to him, not to mention the traffic coming back. It would have been cheaper for him, but there was an airport ten minutes from my house and I couldn't understand why he wouldn't just fly in to that one. I didn't feel like having the conversation about it. I have no idea why. In retrospect, what a petty thing to be upset about.
I didn't know it then, but that phone call was my last chance to speak with him. On August 1st, he was killed in a car accident.
It was after his death that I came to realize that Scott was one of the few individuals who took me exactly as I was, self-important lecturing and all, and loved me anyway. He never tried to change a thing about me. The loss of him in my life has been immeasurable. I think about him almost every day. His name is tattooed in a cross on my arm, a celtic cross because that's one of the tattoos he wanted. I grieved with his family, knowing that as deeply as I felt his loss that is was not comparable to his flesh and blood.
Two years after his death, I experienced a loss of a different kind; it was the death of my friendship with Ducky.
Ducky and I had been through so much together, that I thought we had a completely unshakeable foundation. We'd known each other since we were sixteen. We had seen each other through countless ups and downs, twists and turns, joy and pain, happiness and unfathomable sadness. She was closer to me than a sister. I could not imagine my life without her.
Until one day, I could.
Just what happened, I won't say. But while Scott's death was completely out of my control, losing Ducky as a friend was entirely up to me. It weighs on me sometimes, despite how "right" I felt I was being, because losing her friendship meant losing her family, whom I also dearly, dearly loved.
And so on the eve of Scott's birthday, I think of how often I take people for granted. It never once occurred to me that Scott wouldn't be around, just as it never occurred to me that Ducky and I wouldn't make it for the long haul.
I don't always treat people close to me with as much appreciation as I truly feel toward them. I want to learn to love others with more purpose, and be grateful for the time I have with the ones God has put in my life.
Because life changes too fast not to.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Saturday, June 22, 2013
A Summer Frost (Bite)
"It's the quiet ones you have to look out for."
"Still waters run deep."
That's what you think...until you dive in wholeheartedly, trusting in old adages. Then you realize a little too late that no, the still water was running pretty damn shallow. Have fun with that broken head. Broken neck.
Broken heart.
Let me ask you a question. At what point does your lack of attraction to me become your problem and not mine? Where is that fine line? Perhaps it's hidden under all this unwanted fat.
I recently read a great article about body image; how we view ourselves vs. how others may view us. The gist of it was "Love yourself at any size, and believe yourself worthy of love from others too."
Worthy of love. Would you believe that I have spent much of my life feeling unworthy of love? You know what started the change in my thinking?
Three years ago my very good friend died. And I came to the realization after his death that he was one of the few people who really knew me, who took me exactly as I was and loved me. He loved me right in the now.
And I remember talking to a friend of mine, saying, "He loved me, but I don't know why. I'm nothing special." She turned it around and said, "But that's what love is. That's God's love for you. You don't have to earn it, you don't have to do anything to get it. You don't have to be skinny or smart, or work hard for it. It's free, and unconditional."
I've known God all my life. But I haven't known God's unconditional love all my life. Three years ago is when I started to be open to receiving it.
Flash-forward to a day like today, where it started out with, "I'm not attracted to you, but that doesn't mean I love you any less." I'm sure that would be reassuring if our definition of love was the same. Actually, I'm not sure you would even think that way if our definition of love was the same. Perhaps I'm wrong, though. Certainly my attraction to them dropped several degrees when I heard those words.
Part of me wants to start extreme exercising, so I can make myself skinny faster, to win back that attraction. And part of me wants to go out and find someone who IS attracted to me - right now, as I am - and be all like, "SUCK IT!" to my antagonist. But the part of me that's winning out is the part of me that has nothing to do with me: It's the still, quiet voice saying, "It's ok. You are lovely to Me."
Today sucked. But instead of berating myself in the mirror, and instead of eating a sleeve of oreos, soggy from my tears, I decided to remember that I am lovely at this size to Someone. And I'm worthy of love, according to Him. For me, that's a step in the right direction three years in the making.
Maybe even a lifetime in the making.
"Still waters run deep."
That's what you think...until you dive in wholeheartedly, trusting in old adages. Then you realize a little too late that no, the still water was running pretty damn shallow. Have fun with that broken head. Broken neck.
Broken heart.
Let me ask you a question. At what point does your lack of attraction to me become your problem and not mine? Where is that fine line? Perhaps it's hidden under all this unwanted fat.
I recently read a great article about body image; how we view ourselves vs. how others may view us. The gist of it was "Love yourself at any size, and believe yourself worthy of love from others too."
Worthy of love. Would you believe that I have spent much of my life feeling unworthy of love? You know what started the change in my thinking?
Three years ago my very good friend died. And I came to the realization after his death that he was one of the few people who really knew me, who took me exactly as I was and loved me. He loved me right in the now.
And I remember talking to a friend of mine, saying, "He loved me, but I don't know why. I'm nothing special." She turned it around and said, "But that's what love is. That's God's love for you. You don't have to earn it, you don't have to do anything to get it. You don't have to be skinny or smart, or work hard for it. It's free, and unconditional."
I've known God all my life. But I haven't known God's unconditional love all my life. Three years ago is when I started to be open to receiving it.
Flash-forward to a day like today, where it started out with, "I'm not attracted to you, but that doesn't mean I love you any less." I'm sure that would be reassuring if our definition of love was the same. Actually, I'm not sure you would even think that way if our definition of love was the same. Perhaps I'm wrong, though. Certainly my attraction to them dropped several degrees when I heard those words.
Part of me wants to start extreme exercising, so I can make myself skinny faster, to win back that attraction. And part of me wants to go out and find someone who IS attracted to me - right now, as I am - and be all like, "SUCK IT!" to my antagonist. But the part of me that's winning out is the part of me that has nothing to do with me: It's the still, quiet voice saying, "It's ok. You are lovely to Me."
Today sucked. But instead of berating myself in the mirror, and instead of eating a sleeve of oreos, soggy from my tears, I decided to remember that I am lovely at this size to Someone. And I'm worthy of love, according to Him. For me, that's a step in the right direction three years in the making.
Maybe even a lifetime in the making.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Dates of two kinds
"No, I don't think I will kiss you. Although, you need kissing badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how." --Rhett Butler
I would like to go on a date. I would like to be asked out, picked up, told I'm pretty, hand holding throughout and thoroughly kissed goodnight at the end.
Perhaps I have watched Enchanted one too many times. Or maybe it's the little romantic I seem to be raising. The girl child is constantly drawing stick figures holding hands and dancing, telling me stories about princes and princesses. She looks at my wedding photos and exclaims over my wedding dress and says, "Daddy and Mommy are married!" She's excited about it because I've always been excited when I tell her about it.
*heavy sigh*
Romance these days feels like a misplaced item that I'm constantly trying to find, and just know I left in the last house that we lived in. Or maybe it was two houses ago. Or three...and how does one go about trying to "keep the fire alive" when it's taken effort on both sides to just work on not letting the embers of the relationship die altogether?
*another heavy sigh*
Time to change the subject.
Tomorrow is my twenty-ninth birthday. I have spent the last couple of years feeling so ancient, physically and emotionally, that I have to remind myself that I'm only twenty-nine. I'm looking forward to starting a new year in my life, one where I'm less weary, and more energized. And where I do more for other people than I do for myself.
I saw a shirt in Target the other day that said, "Do more of what makes you happy." I stood there for a long time thinking that if I did more of what made me "happy", I'd probably eat a lot more froyo, drink a lot more vodka, and spend a lot more money. ;-) Suddenly a song from my childhood entered my head. I could hear "Psalty the Singing Song Book" belting out, "If you want to be great in God's kingdom, learn to be the servant of all." That's actually in the Bible, in the book of Mark.
"But it shall not be so among you; but whosoever will be great among you shall be your minister, whosoever will be chiefest, shall be servant of all." Mark 10:43-44 (KJV)
And I remembered the true happiness that comes from doing kind things for other people. And I have decided to spend this twenty-ninth year making that my focus, starting with my family and working out. I feel very blessed tonight, thinking tomorrow I will have the privilege of spending the day with my family and my friends. God is good, and that stays true every year, whether I'm good or not.
So maybe I won't be getting romance, or a date night, or a long kiss goodnight. But maybe I can instead reap happiness from sowing the seeds of kindness towards others. That would be ok with me.
I would like to go on a date. I would like to be asked out, picked up, told I'm pretty, hand holding throughout and thoroughly kissed goodnight at the end.
Perhaps I have watched Enchanted one too many times. Or maybe it's the little romantic I seem to be raising. The girl child is constantly drawing stick figures holding hands and dancing, telling me stories about princes and princesses. She looks at my wedding photos and exclaims over my wedding dress and says, "Daddy and Mommy are married!" She's excited about it because I've always been excited when I tell her about it.
*heavy sigh*
Romance these days feels like a misplaced item that I'm constantly trying to find, and just know I left in the last house that we lived in. Or maybe it was two houses ago. Or three...and how does one go about trying to "keep the fire alive" when it's taken effort on both sides to just work on not letting the embers of the relationship die altogether?
*another heavy sigh*
Time to change the subject.
Tomorrow is my twenty-ninth birthday. I have spent the last couple of years feeling so ancient, physically and emotionally, that I have to remind myself that I'm only twenty-nine. I'm looking forward to starting a new year in my life, one where I'm less weary, and more energized. And where I do more for other people than I do for myself.
I saw a shirt in Target the other day that said, "Do more of what makes you happy." I stood there for a long time thinking that if I did more of what made me "happy", I'd probably eat a lot more froyo, drink a lot more vodka, and spend a lot more money. ;-) Suddenly a song from my childhood entered my head. I could hear "Psalty the Singing Song Book" belting out, "If you want to be great in God's kingdom, learn to be the servant of all." That's actually in the Bible, in the book of Mark.
"But it shall not be so among you; but whosoever will be great among you shall be your minister, whosoever will be chiefest, shall be servant of all." Mark 10:43-44 (KJV)
And I remembered the true happiness that comes from doing kind things for other people. And I have decided to spend this twenty-ninth year making that my focus, starting with my family and working out. I feel very blessed tonight, thinking tomorrow I will have the privilege of spending the day with my family and my friends. God is good, and that stays true every year, whether I'm good or not.
So maybe I won't be getting romance, or a date night, or a long kiss goodnight. But maybe I can instead reap happiness from sowing the seeds of kindness towards others. That would be ok with me.
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