Dissolution/Disillusion

These words sound similar to me, so I looked each of them up:

dis·so·lu·tion

Noun

The closing down or dismissal of an assembly, partnership, or official body. 2.  The action or process of dissolving or being dissolved.

dis·il·lu·sion

Noun Disappointment resulting from the discovery that something is not as good as one believed it to be.

Verb Cause (someone) to realize that a belief or an ideal is false. Did you know that in some states, you can walk into a court house and pick up a "Dissolution" packet? It's for couples who have "mutually" decided to end their marriage. They can fill out the paperwork, file it with the court for a small fee, wait for a period of time, and voila! Marriage over. No lawyers, no real costs and hardly any hassle.  I was thinking, though, wouldn't it be more appropriate if it were called a "Disillusioned" packet? Because isn't that what's really going on?  It could start out with only one person, perhaps waking up one day and thinking that their monogamous, monotonous, responsibility laden life is not as good as they believed it to be. Or maybe it doesn't happen that suddenly: maybe it happens slowly, over the course of the relationship. I've heard it said that sometimes people enter a relationship really expecting that a person will change, and that's a mistake. Well, it goes both ways. I would say, perhaps you shouldn't enter a relationship and expect things not to change either. Ideally, a couple should change together. Realistically, that is not always the case. Sometimes the directions they take are vastly different, and I can see how easy it would be to one day wake up, turn over to look at your spouse, and give in to the feelings of utter disappointment.

I pity the other half, the one who thought, "It's just a phase, they're just under stress, it's their job, it's this house, it's the weather," it's anything other than the truth: You are just not as good as they once believed you to be. That must hurt, can you imagine? The person you share your bed with, your home with, your body, your soul, trust, faith has decided you just aren't as good to them as you once were. Would you blame yourself? "It's because I gained so much weight after the kids were born, it's because he/she never wanted children, it's because I didn't change jobs, it's because I look older, it's because I don't keep the house as clean, I shop too much, I expect too much..." That must damage a person, to their very core. I imagine the pain from that sort of rejection probably reaches a physical level, especially if the disillusionment is put into actual words: "I do not want you anymore. I do not love you anymore." Of course, I cannot speak for all couples, and I certainly don't know all the reasons marriages and relationships end. But when the time for dissolution comes, surely disillusion presides over all.

Once and Future Kate

Fact: I had no idea that Facebook kept so many messages from so long ago, even from people you aren't friends with/don't have a profile anymore. I'm glad of this, because it allowed me to reference a message a friend wrote me a year and a half ago that I recently was trying to recall. I remember she gave me some fantastic advice, because I was really struggling emotionally at the time. She told me to think of where I wanted to be in five years, and how would I get there. I really did think about it, and I even journaled about it later that night.

What I failed to remember is that I had articulated to her very well where I didn't want to be in five years, and I wrote at the end of the paragraph that I was starting to realize that "no matter how much I change, I can't change____." Looking back on that, I feel a little sad for the Kate that was; so scared and hurt, and feeling unable to change things herself.

A year and a half later, what I said remains. No matter how much I've further changed, the circumstances haven't. But this time, I am not afraid of what I need to do to change it. Actually, that's not true, I am afraid. I've just presently decided to be brave, to face the pain and uncertainty instead of hiding from it.

And maybe in three and a half years, future Kate can look back and be thankful she didn't waste anymore time on fear.

Loving Superheroes

I have been thinking about this for many days and I'm just tired enough to write it all out. It probably won't make any sense at all...

Imagine you've fallen in love with Batman (or the hero of your choice). He's brave, he's strong, he's sexy; he can do things that are impossible for "normal" people to do. He fights bad guys, he has awesome gadgets, and he looks amazing in his cape and cowl. And for a while, loving Batman is adventurous and exciting. You admire him, you idolize him, you are enthralled by him. You would do anything for him.

But at the end of the day, he comes home and takes off his mask. Suddenly, he's not the person you fell in love with. He's an orphaned kid with a load of emotional baggage, a man who's driven to his heroic accomplishments by pain. Perhaps that's his real super power: being able to turn his anguish into the physical strength to do what is necessary. But that broken boy, made more broken by the every day struggle against evil, has nothing left in the end to give. And soon, you find that you expect too much of him. 

"For God's sake, Batman, you can fight off twenty men at once but you can't pick up the right box of cereal? I told you three times."

"You can remember the names of every criminal in Arkham, but the anniversary of when we met, that's not important enough for you?"

"You can exchange witty banter with evil super villains but you won't talk to me. I don't even know who you are anymore."

Do you really believe that he can devote his time to saving Gotham, and be there for you in the way that you need? You've fooled yourself into thinking he could, because you believed that he was something more than he really is. You mistook the mask for the man.





  

They're Playing My Song

I know I'm not the only one who does this...

Do you ever find yourself putting songs to life situations? I do that a lot. I have songs for everything, in fact I have songs for situations that aren't even mine. "You're going through a break up? Omg, this song describes your life." There are so many appropriate songs for so many different life events. For example, when my friend of twelve years and I parted ways, I ascribed the song "Too Close" by Alex Clare to it.

"It feels like I am just to close to love you. There is nothing I can really say. I can't lie no more, I can't hide no more, got to be true to myself...so I'll be on my way." Perfect: I know too much about you. I've said all I can say. I have to do what is true for me. We can no longer be friends. Goodbye. (That's my interpretation of the song)

When Daniel was on deployments: "Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down or "Far Away" by Nickelback. Sing it, boys. I'm going to cry and write long letters. 

When I think of Michael Fassbender, or any current version of Sherlock Holmes (or even Basil Rathbone): "Run" by Matt Nathanson.

I'm kidding...I'm mostly kidding

I don't really have a point to all this, I just was thinking about how much I take from music, and how sometimes I wish I could speak in song lyrics. Sometimes I picture singing various songs to the people I want to confront, or comfort someone. What would life be like if we acted like we lived in musicals and just burst into song? Sometimes I do, when I'm alone. I sing at the top of my lungs, and it feels right. 

Currently I'm singing, "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Miserables (as performed by Michael Henry and Justin Robinette) and "Letting Go." by The Afters. What are you singing? 

Letting It Go

Almost exactly a year ago, I sat on a beach in Waikiki. It was a warm night, with a soft breeze and the waves rolled to shore in front of me, and I was telling the person who sat next to me that I didn't know why I couldn't just let "it" go. I spent over two weeks in Hawaii last year, and I learned a lot on that trip. But I never did learn how to let "it" go.

All day I've been repeating to myself that saying, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing exactly the same way and expecting a different result." I'm finally coming to the realization that I can hold on, and try, and pray and cry and scream, and claw and cling with all my might, but it won't change. And I can't force it to. I am, in fact, powerless to.

It's hard to accept that. It's just as hard for me to accept what I can't change as it is for me to realize by letting go, everything will change. Just not in the way I wanted. Not in the way that I planned.

There is a verse that I always think of when I am faced with making any sort of decisions: A man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. (Prov. 16:9) I just never think about God directing me through the darker places life takes me. I typically think of myself as having wandered there, like the metaphorical lost sheep. But maybe there are times when we don't choose to wander the valley, that's just where the road leads.

Love Right Now

Last week I was given the following advice: "Don't think of things as they used to be. Think of things as they are, and look for the positive in it." 

It's good advice, and I started putting it into practice this weekend. In doing so, I discovered something about myself, and that is that I expect tit for tat on my positivity. If I am going out of my way to find the positive in you, then you had better turn right back around and find something in me too. If I do a good thing for you, then you need to do one for me too.

When did I get like that?

Somewhere along the course of my relationships (not all, but one especially), I stopped doing things out of love and started doing them only if I felt I could get something back. And then I started thinking if I'm on a love and goodness kick, you better get on board and be doing the same, because otherwise I'll feel hurt by your lack of response and then I'll make your life miserable. 

Reading that all written out is shocking, but I think it often enough. I've slipped into this sort of weird mindset of expecting appreciation, and responding with retaliation when I don't get it. And this is my attitude toward people I claim to love. That doesn't sound like love to me, and I'm sure it doesn't feel like it to them.

I was taught at a young age to "do unto others what you would have them do unto you." We've all heard it: Treat people the way you want to be treated. How would I feel if every time someone did something nice for me, or complimented me, or praised me, they turned around and said, "Ok, you're turn." And if I didn't deliver, suddenly I am the target of their anger. I couldn't live like that, yet I expect other people to. Hmm...

So I have another resolution for this year: Treat people the way I want to be treated, without expecting the same in return. I can't help but feel optimistic that if I can manage to do that most of the time it will solve a lot of internal conflict, and put my heart back where it belongs. 

 

Internal Conversations

My thoughts as I did dishes this morning, and contemplated my fitness and nutrition goals for the new year:

I really should just cut out the junk food cold turkey for a while. I've been over indulging for so many months now that I should have no problem depriving myself for a short amount of time. Yes, a little depravity is just what I need. 

I don't know why my brain thought "depravity" was the appropriate word. I've been resolved thus far to refrain from any acts of moral corruption. I can generally make it through the day without killing anyone, or having torrid affairs (or mundane affairs), or whatever else. That's pretty easy. But ask me to make it through the day without eating my feelings worth of chocolate...

Anyway, the end result of the internal dialogue was that for this new year, I am determined to permanently change my diet up. I go through these periods of time where I'll be eating healthy and active for a few months and then suddenly, I want to eat EVERYTHING and not move. I have resolved to get a handle on a healthy lifestyle without such extreme ups and downs before I'm thirty, so that means this year is the year to make it happen. Further goals for this year are to run a half marathon, and compete in the Zombie run in Seattle this year. I really do enjoy working out, and I'm excited to try some new things along the fitness line.

Anyone else have any health/fitness goals for this year?