I am afraid I don't make a very good pregnant woman. The part of my personality that likes to hold onto hurts (real or imagined), bottles them up and then waits for an unsuspecting victim to uncork the lid and set off the explosion...yes, that part is amplified times a thousand when I am pregnant. No joke, I actually catch myself plotting revenge on whoever perpetuates the smallest of slights. I want to make a My Little Pony episode reference here, but I'm afraid most of you won't get it, unless you have a five year old daughter, or relative (or you are part of the Brony subculture).
"You laugh at me, I WRATH AT YOU!"
There. I couldn't help it.
Anyway, for some reason, I find myself taking out a lot of the irrational feelings I have on my house and the city I live in. I don't know if it's because I was pregnant and unhappy when we moved up here and so I just feel echoes of my past emotions, or if there is another reason, but I occasionally wake up feeling like I'm living under the dome here and I HAVE to GET OUT!!
This holiday, I got my reprieve. I escaped my house and my city and all my illogical hate of it. I spent about eight days (broken up) on the other side of the state, in the house where my husband lives, he and his two roommates. For half the days, all was well...ish. Then, as I was awakened from sleep at 0120 in the morning by the sounds of Call of Duty and two drunk Marines in the room below me, I was struck with a sudden realization:
I hated it there too. My word, will ANYPLACE or ANYONE ever be good enough??
About the only thing I really and truly love right now are my children, born and unborn. Everything else is teetering on the edge of my loathing. I decided a few months ago that my focus for this year was already going to be love, but after having spent the last days of 2013 in a silent rage, I've decided my focus should probably be Love with a capital "L."
By that I mean God. With a capital "G."
1 John 4:7-12 (NASB) 7 "Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. 8 The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love. 9 By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him. 10 In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12 No one has seen God at any time; if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us."
This is the "reason for the season" and the Greatest Commandment all rolled into one. And these verses are my verses for the next year (and beyond, really).
When I think of Jesus dying on the cross, I think of Him coming to earth in the "olden days" and dying for those people's sins. I know He died for mine, but I never really put it into a modern day context. What I mean is, I hate everything right now. And Christ died for it.
His sacrifice isn't history, it's current. He died for a world filled with terror, and hate, and fear, and evil. He died for terrorists, peacekeepers, murderers, healers, adulterers, fornicators, the chaste, drunkards, the sober, thieves, liars, the truthful, politicians, corrupt governments, the one percent, the ninety-nine percent, democrats, republicans, gay, straight, pro-choice, pro-life, pro-gun, anti-gun, Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, Atheists, black, white, yellow, orange, purple, brown, green, pink, the people you love, the people you hate, EVERYONE.
Right now.
Currently.
He has a banner over all of us, and it's love.
And here's to hoping that as I grow, that Love (and love) will in fact conquer all.
