Outside Looking In

Curiosity may have killed the cat, but being incurious will slaughter relationships. How long can two last when only one wants to know?

Have I not made it easy? Am I not words on a page, a liturgy of emotions, a catechism of ceaseless anxiety?

Read me. I’m self narrated. I’m open. Ask. I’ll tell.

How long will I be tapping at this window, asking to be let in? Asking to be seen? Why can’t you see me?

With each question I ask, the knowledge of your seeming indifference widens this chasm between us. Don’t you see it? These cracks were forming, and now I’m breaking. How long before you can’t reach me? Do you even want to?

Ask me. Again and again. As I ask you, begging to be heard. Begging to be answered.

For all my queries, I know little. Everything is painfully extracted. Everything withheld costs.

I am nothing but questions. You are everything except questions.

I am nothing but exposed. You are everything except vulnerable.

I am nothing but before you. You are looking everywhere but here.

Look at me.

I said look at me.

Interpersonal Relationships

Are relationships nothing more than a series of transactions? I do this, and you do this, and we are happy as long as we are fulfilling our part of the bargain. There’s no room for hurt feelings, no addendums for changing mentality or morals or for just being too damn exhausted to hold up your end. 

I do this and you do this, and this, and this. Make a list of it. Check off your to-dos. Did I say thank you today? Did I present my body? Am I grateful? Am I submissive? Is it enough to submit willingly, or must I do it enthusiastically? 

I’ve penciled you into my calendar, I’ve made you a part of my schedule. Yes sir, yes sir, atta boy. I do this, and I want a thank you for it or I won’t do it anymore. 

I do this and you do this, and we both stay happy. And if one of us shirks our end of the deal, we can always walk away. It’s not personal, it’s just business.

Stiches

I’ve been thinking a lot about domestic violence lately. So I wrote this. 

If you are a victim of domestic violence, please speak up and reach out. You are not alone. Call the national hotline at  1-800-799-SAFE

Close your eyes.

I break your teeth, cut out your tongue. 

You love this misery, what would you do without me? 

I promise I won’t do it again, not in the same way, at any rate. I’ll escalate, just you wait, but you won’t see what I have planned.

Close your eyes.

This weapon in my hand, this weapon is my hand, this hand on your face. My caress is so tender, but a stinging slap feels the same to you. Bitch. You deserve this. 

Close your eyes.

Look at you now, you’re nothing without me. I’m your world, I’m your god, I’m your fucking deity so worship me, get on your knees and beg for mercy, oh please don’t hurt me, I’m sorry. 

You are sorry. Pathetic. Apathetic. You don’t care if I don’t care, pull your hair, make you scream. You like this pain, you like this game. Will I? Won’t I? Tonight? Tomorrow? Next week? All week? Whenever I want to. You’re mine, I own you. 

Close your eyes.