I met the ex husband's fiance over the weekend.
My initial thought in the days leading up to this meeting was that I wish life came with a playbook, something to tell me exactly what to feel and how to act in this scenario. For some reason this line of thought brought me back to a memory from my childhood: playing Madden 95 on the Sega.
I remember play calling defense for that game, looking at all the x's and o's in their 4-3, 3-4, Nickel, Dime, and Goal Line formations. I almost always chose Nickel, I have no clue why. I don't think I ever won a single game of Madden 95 against my brothers.
Coincidentally, '95 is the year the ex's fiance was born. I was married to him and having kids when she was turning 13. As Mush pointed out later, "She's not old enough to be E's mom...but I'm old enough to be her father."
Lordy.
It's funny that I was thinking in terms of defense, when the last thing on earth I want to feel is defensive. I've moved on, I'm married, I'm hugely pregnant, and I'm completely happy. I had about two days worth of unspecified anger and anxiety, something along the lines of, "Wait, you disappear across the country, see the kids one time in that whole year, and now you're back and bringing someone with you??" As a mom, it's hard enough to give him visits with them, now I have to worry about someone else? Gah!
When the ex left, I said a prayer that I wouldn't hate him forever. I've seen what hate of that kind can do, how it destroys a person, how it effects children. I've striven to keep the kids out of whatever my feelings for the ex were/are and I'm happy to say that I've been able to, in large part because of Mush, who sees the value in everyone, who believes relationships of all kinds are important, and is teaching me to view the world the same way. Talk about the better half...
They arrived at the house and when I saw her, in all her youth and gorgeousness, I had a completely unexpected emotion: the maternal instinct to tell her to run as far away from the ex as she could possibly get; don't waste years of your life and give up everything for that guy. You deserve better.
I stamped those feelings down pretty quick, because the truth is that I've changed a lot in the last two years, for the better I think. We grow and we change, and I have to believe...I choose to believe that the ex is capable of it too, and already has. Maybe she is for him what Mush is for me: the better half that makes you realize what's truly important.
In my life's playbook, I want all the x's and o's to mean hugs and kisses, good feelings and love. No matter what the scenario, that will always be the best call.
