Emotional Sadism

The words in the title were (allegedly) used to describe me.

The word "sadist" means "someone who enjoys inflicting pain on others, most often for sexual gratification." It can also mean "deliberate cruelty."

The person who said this is someone I don't communicate with or associate with on any level. And the reason for that is because "sadist" is one of the words I would use to describe them.

So much irony...

Considering the source, the words don't have much of an effect, except in one way that surprised me: those words didn't hurt me, but they hurt the people who love me.

That got me thinking and I had a major epiphany: I could get on social media or use this blog to talk about every nasty thing this person has ever said or done, to me and to others close to me. I could write things that would make you sick to read, talk about things that would make you sick to hear.

But it wouldn't make a difference to this person at all, and it would accomplish exactly one thing: it would inflict pain on the people who love them.

And the ones who love me and them are the same people.

I've had to ask myself this: Is my level of hate for one person greater than the love I have for the ones around me? Because if the answer is yes, then let the dirty laundry be aired. Let the secrets be shouted from rooftops. Let the dictionary of unsavory terms be used.

No. In fact, God forbid I ever get to the point where I trample on the feelings of loved ones just to make a point about someone I don't love an iota.

I've come dangerously close. I've looked into the faces of loved ones and said, "Why can't you just admit what they are? Why can't you just acknowledge that they're pure evil?? Don't you care about that at all?"

How ugly I must have seemed in those moments of confrontation. How could I ask them to face someone they love and see only the monster I see? It doesn't hurt the monster, it hurts them.

Would I gain satisfaction from proving my point at the expense of pain to others?

Wouldn't that make me a sadist?

Those Damn Legos

Somewhere in a house in Virginia there sits a pirates bounty of Legos that belonged to the man and were one of his favorite childhood pastimes.

Understand something: the man almost never complains or laments about anything. For a guy who has been through so much in the course of his lifetime, for a man who has experienced things we can only imagine in our most nightmarish dreams, he says very little in the way of regret.

But over the course of our almost ten years of marriage, I have heard him lament the loss of those Legos more than once. And it sticks with me.

It sticks with me because, in a roundabout and twisted way, I am the reason he will never see those Legos again.

When the man married me, he had to choose between me and the Legos. Not in the way you might think - I don't have an irrational hate of Legos...unless I step on one in bare feet and then yeah, hate takes control. But aside from that, I am pretty fond of them myself.

No, it's because he had to choose between me and who the Legos are currently with.

I mentioned a while ago that I realized the enormity of the man's love for me by how much he must personally sacrifice to be with me. I was speaking of more recent years but the truth is he has always had to sacrifice to be with me. I daresay that some sacrifices are much easier than others, but that doesn't mean that the repercussions of such decisions don't have some weight.

Losing those Legos is the weightiest of all. In fact, it might be the only real thing about the situation that bothers him, as much as he lets anything about material possessions bother him.

That stash of unattainable Legos has suddenly become the perfect metaphor for our changing relationship.

There is nothing he and I can to do to get those particular Legos. There is nothing he and I are willing to do to get those particular Legos, because it would mean compromise in areas we will not ever compromise in. But just as we have had to reset and readjust our life together, and just as we have had to rebuild our relationship piece by piece, I am bound and determined to build him a collection of actual Lego pieces to go along with it.

I love the man more than anything. And I am going to show it, brick by colorful brick.

P.S. Um, so yeah if you have any loose Legos lying around or you want to know what to get me for Mother's day, my birthday, baby shower, anniversary, Christmas and every other holiday you can think...now you know.