A Summer Frost (Bite)

"It's the quiet ones you have to look out for."

"Still waters run deep."

That's what you think...until you dive in wholeheartedly, trusting in old adages. Then you realize a little too late that no, the still water was running pretty damn shallow. Have fun with that broken head. Broken neck.

Broken heart.

Let me ask you a question. At what point does your lack of attraction to me become your problem and not mine? Where is that fine line? Perhaps it's hidden under all this unwanted fat.

I recently read a great article about body image; how we view ourselves vs. how others may view us. The gist of it was "Love yourself at any size, and believe yourself worthy of love from others too."

Worthy of love. Would you believe that I have spent much of my life feeling unworthy of love? You know what started the change in my thinking?

Three years ago my very good friend died. And I came to the realization after his death that he was one of the few people who really knew me, who took me exactly as I was and loved me. He loved me right in the now.

And I remember talking to a friend of mine, saying, "He loved me, but I don't know why. I'm nothing special." She turned it around and said, "But that's what love is. That's God's love for you. You don't have to earn it, you don't have to do anything to get it. You don't have to be skinny or smart, or work hard for it. It's free, and unconditional."

I've known God all my life. But I haven't known God's unconditional love all my life. Three years ago is when I started to be open to receiving it.

Flash-forward to a day like today, where it started out with, "I'm not attracted to you, but that doesn't mean I love you any less." I'm sure that would be reassuring if our definition of love was the same. Actually, I'm not sure you would even think that way if our definition of love was the same. Perhaps I'm wrong, though. Certainly my attraction to them dropped several degrees when I heard those words.

Part of me wants to start extreme exercising, so I can make myself skinny faster, to win back that attraction. And part of me wants to go out and find someone who IS attracted to me - right now, as I am - and be all like, "SUCK IT!" to my antagonist. But the part of me that's winning out is the part of me that has nothing to do with me: It's the still, quiet voice saying, "It's ok. You are lovely to Me."

Today sucked.  But instead of berating myself in the mirror, and instead of eating a sleeve of oreos, soggy from my tears, I decided to remember that I am lovely at this size to Someone. And I'm worthy of love, according to Him. For me, that's a step in the right direction three years in the making.

Maybe even a lifetime in the making.