Sins of our fathers

Today would have been my parents forty-something wedding anniversary, if they had stayed together. Instead, they were divorced after twenty something years and eight kids. That happened when I was eight, and I lived with my mother growing up, not really seeing my father much until I was about sixteen. At that age I asked my father why, in his opinion, did he and my mom split up?

He gave me a few reasons, the main one being  that he and my mom had too much miscommunication. He also mentioned feeling unappreciated by my mom, and instead of communicating that clearly, he sought appreciation from other sources. When I told my mom that dad had felt unappreciated, she seemed surprised. How could he feel unappreciated? She gave him eights kids, dinner on the table at five each night, a clean and comfortable home, what else did he want?

Before my husband (who is also from a broken home) and I got married, I distinctly remember us having a conversation about the importance of communication, and how we would strive to be better than our parents. We would make it work where they couldn't. We wouldn't repeat their mistakes.

Now here I sit, eight and a half years later, and he and I are in the middle of a divorce. The reason? I would say the inability to communicate.

Pride comes before destruction, it seems.

There are other things. Two people who have spent more than half their marriage apart from each other shouldn't be surprised when they wake up to find they have changed, and they didn't change together. But you could have knocked me over with a feather several months ago when my husband informed me that he didn't feel appreciated by me. I was astounded. How can you not feel appreciated, I ranted, when I've given you two beautiful children, when I've waited for you on deployments, and wrote to you every day, and gave you love and support and on and on and on and on and oooooooooooonnn.

It dawned on me recently (like, Monday) that my way of thinking I was being appreciative was not his way of feeling appreciated. It never occurred to me to ask him how he needed me to show support, because I just assumed what I was doing was right, or good enough. It never occurred to him to tell me different because he's the "suck it up and keep it to yourself" type. Comes from being a Marine, I think, and also the home he grew up in.

Ironically, when the whole thing was laid out, it turned out we were both feeling the same way: Unappreciated, and in some ways unloved and disrespected. Who knew? Neither of us.

Better than our parents?

Hmmm...

Pearls Before Swine

"Do not give what is holy to the dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and tear you in pieces." - Matt. 7:6

I did not understand this Bible verse for the longest time. I literally pictured in my head someone taking off a pearl necklace and throwing it in a pig pen...and then the pigs going crazy, smashing the pearls and trampling/eating the person alive.

Quite terrifying, actually.

Believe it or not, this year (and most of last year) has been the time that an interpretation of that verse has presented itself to me, in a way applicable to life. So here is my translation of the verse, or at least the latter part:

Don't lay down your trust, your feelings, your dreams, or your reason before people who do not appreciate them or cannot understand them, because they will massively under appreciate it, or completely ignore it, and then tear your heart to shreds.

I love watching old movies. Occasionally you will hear the insult, "You swine!" You mindless, classless, feelingless, uncomprehending pig. That's what I think of when I hear the term.

Pearls before swine. I think it also means not trying to reason with unreasonable people (There are many other Bible verses that reference that too). It cannot be done, and you waste your breath, your energy, and severely dampen your spirits by persisting in thinking, "If only I could make them understand how much this or that hurts me. Surely they would be kinder if they knew."

They know, they just don't care.

The sooner one can accept the fact that some people don't want a share in your life if it comes at the expense of having to give any part of theirs, the better off you will be.

My difficulty is that it takes me a while to process these moments of clarity and realization. And I find myself still hoping for understanding, still spreading my dreams under their feet.

Tread softly, swine. You tread on my dreams.

Not quite poetry

You feel neglected, but nothing you have done has gone unnoticed. 

I remember the days when you held me with intent, so close and with promise.

It was because I appreciated your efforts that I recognized when they ceased. 

When did you stop looking at me with love? I can almost name the day.

The day you decided to give in to your notions, and invent your reasons.

We were young, and foolish. Had we the maturity, it would have been different.

How, sir? 

Do you feel nothing? How easy, it seems, for you to treat me like a mistake.

In a few short words, and a few short looks, you reduce years to nothing.

You reduce countless nights of frantic worry to an equation that you figured wrong.

You reduce endless pages of words, important words, to tripe. 

I can feel the pieces of my heart subtracted every time you say it was never meant to be. 

And every thing I held so dear about you crumbles in my mind. 

In this moment, I feel as you do; we are nothing but a waste of time. 

Happy Valentines Day. 

Dissolution/Disillusion

These words sound similar to me, so I looked each of them up:

dis·so·lu·tion

Noun

The closing down or dismissal of an assembly, partnership, or official body. 2.  The action or process of dissolving or being dissolved.

dis·il·lu·sion

Noun Disappointment resulting from the discovery that something is not as good as one believed it to be.

Verb Cause (someone) to realize that a belief or an ideal is false. Did you know that in some states, you can walk into a court house and pick up a "Dissolution" packet? It's for couples who have "mutually" decided to end their marriage. They can fill out the paperwork, file it with the court for a small fee, wait for a period of time, and voila! Marriage over. No lawyers, no real costs and hardly any hassle.  I was thinking, though, wouldn't it be more appropriate if it were called a "Disillusioned" packet? Because isn't that what's really going on?  It could start out with only one person, perhaps waking up one day and thinking that their monogamous, monotonous, responsibility laden life is not as good as they believed it to be. Or maybe it doesn't happen that suddenly: maybe it happens slowly, over the course of the relationship. I've heard it said that sometimes people enter a relationship really expecting that a person will change, and that's a mistake. Well, it goes both ways. I would say, perhaps you shouldn't enter a relationship and expect things not to change either. Ideally, a couple should change together. Realistically, that is not always the case. Sometimes the directions they take are vastly different, and I can see how easy it would be to one day wake up, turn over to look at your spouse, and give in to the feelings of utter disappointment.

I pity the other half, the one who thought, "It's just a phase, they're just under stress, it's their job, it's this house, it's the weather," it's anything other than the truth: You are just not as good as they once believed you to be. That must hurt, can you imagine? The person you share your bed with, your home with, your body, your soul, trust, faith has decided you just aren't as good to them as you once were. Would you blame yourself? "It's because I gained so much weight after the kids were born, it's because he/she never wanted children, it's because I didn't change jobs, it's because I look older, it's because I don't keep the house as clean, I shop too much, I expect too much..." That must damage a person, to their very core. I imagine the pain from that sort of rejection probably reaches a physical level, especially if the disillusionment is put into actual words: "I do not want you anymore. I do not love you anymore." Of course, I cannot speak for all couples, and I certainly don't know all the reasons marriages and relationships end. But when the time for dissolution comes, surely disillusion presides over all.

Once and Future Kate

Fact: I had no idea that Facebook kept so many messages from so long ago, even from people you aren't friends with/don't have a profile anymore. I'm glad of this, because it allowed me to reference a message a friend wrote me a year and a half ago that I recently was trying to recall. I remember she gave me some fantastic advice, because I was really struggling emotionally at the time. She told me to think of where I wanted to be in five years, and how would I get there. I really did think about it, and I even journaled about it later that night.

What I failed to remember is that I had articulated to her very well where I didn't want to be in five years, and I wrote at the end of the paragraph that I was starting to realize that "no matter how much I change, I can't change____." Looking back on that, I feel a little sad for the Kate that was; so scared and hurt, and feeling unable to change things herself.

A year and a half later, what I said remains. No matter how much I've further changed, the circumstances haven't. But this time, I am not afraid of what I need to do to change it. Actually, that's not true, I am afraid. I've just presently decided to be brave, to face the pain and uncertainty instead of hiding from it.

And maybe in three and a half years, future Kate can look back and be thankful she didn't waste anymore time on fear.

Loving Superheroes

I have been thinking about this for many days and I'm just tired enough to write it all out. It probably won't make any sense at all...

Imagine you've fallen in love with Batman (or the hero of your choice). He's brave, he's strong, he's sexy; he can do things that are impossible for "normal" people to do. He fights bad guys, he has awesome gadgets, and he looks amazing in his cape and cowl. And for a while, loving Batman is adventurous and exciting. You admire him, you idolize him, you are enthralled by him. You would do anything for him.

But at the end of the day, he comes home and takes off his mask. Suddenly, he's not the person you fell in love with. He's an orphaned kid with a load of emotional baggage, a man who's driven to his heroic accomplishments by pain. Perhaps that's his real super power: being able to turn his anguish into the physical strength to do what is necessary. But that broken boy, made more broken by the every day struggle against evil, has nothing left in the end to give. And soon, you find that you expect too much of him. 

"For God's sake, Batman, you can fight off twenty men at once but you can't pick up the right box of cereal? I told you three times."

"You can remember the names of every criminal in Arkham, but the anniversary of when we met, that's not important enough for you?"

"You can exchange witty banter with evil super villains but you won't talk to me. I don't even know who you are anymore."

Do you really believe that he can devote his time to saving Gotham, and be there for you in the way that you need? You've fooled yourself into thinking he could, because you believed that he was something more than he really is. You mistook the mask for the man.





  

They're Playing My Song

I know I'm not the only one who does this...

Do you ever find yourself putting songs to life situations? I do that a lot. I have songs for everything, in fact I have songs for situations that aren't even mine. "You're going through a break up? Omg, this song describes your life." There are so many appropriate songs for so many different life events. For example, when my friend of twelve years and I parted ways, I ascribed the song "Too Close" by Alex Clare to it.

"It feels like I am just to close to love you. There is nothing I can really say. I can't lie no more, I can't hide no more, got to be true to myself...so I'll be on my way." Perfect: I know too much about you. I've said all I can say. I have to do what is true for me. We can no longer be friends. Goodbye. (That's my interpretation of the song)

When Daniel was on deployments: "Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down or "Far Away" by Nickelback. Sing it, boys. I'm going to cry and write long letters. 

When I think of Michael Fassbender, or any current version of Sherlock Holmes (or even Basil Rathbone): "Run" by Matt Nathanson.

I'm kidding...I'm mostly kidding

I don't really have a point to all this, I just was thinking about how much I take from music, and how sometimes I wish I could speak in song lyrics. Sometimes I picture singing various songs to the people I want to confront, or comfort someone. What would life be like if we acted like we lived in musicals and just burst into song? Sometimes I do, when I'm alone. I sing at the top of my lungs, and it feels right. 

Currently I'm singing, "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Miserables (as performed by Michael Henry and Justin Robinette) and "Letting Go." by The Afters. What are you singing?